


In this Space

by lady_mab



Category: xxxHoLic
Genre: Alternate Canon, Canon Compliant, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-01-20
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:12:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lady_mab/pseuds/lady_mab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Doumeki struggles with jealousy towards the relationship between Watanuki and Haruka, the lines of dreams and realities are melded and crossed. And Watanuki is left to decide "just where do I want to be?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	In this Space

“Ah, Haruka-san… Good evening.”

“Good evening, Watanuki-kun.” The older man smiled faintly, glancing at the boy at his side without even really taking into account that he was there.

“I didn’t realize I had fallen asleep…” Watanuki muttered to himself.

“Coming into a dream isn’t all just about the sleeping world and the waking world, you know,” Haruka replied sagely.

Watanuki frowned down at his hands that were folded in his lap. He was wearing his pajamas. Sleeping world. _So cryptic. Just like Yuuko_.

The man was silent for a moment, taking the chance to breathe in the scent of the cherry blossoms before he fixed his attention on the boy. “How is Shizuka?”

This time, Watanuki’s frown was childish and embarrassed, even though he couldn’t guess why. “Annoying as always. Asking me to make all kinds of unreasonable dishes, and then insulting my pride and my skill when I refuse.”

“So you make them?”

“Of _course_ I make them!” Watanuki retorted, slamming his hands onto the wooden walkway. He huffed, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Really, Haruka-san, it sounds like you doubt me also.”

Haruka laughed gently, one hand holding the still-burning cigarette away from his lap. “Of course not. I am quite certain that Watanuki-kun is very skilled at cooking.”

The boy’s scowl wavered, then shifted into an easy and pleased smile. “Thank you very much, Haruka-san.” He wondered briefly if Doumeki would be able to smile like that.

* * *

_…Eh? And so what if that lout could actually show emotion. Despite their looks, he’s nothing like his grandfather. COMPLETELY. Nothing. Alike._

_… Not really…_

* * *

_Jealousy, envy._ Written in Japanese as 嫉妬. Romanized as “shitto”. Shi-tto.

Doumeki wondered briefly what the individual characters meant but realized he was too lazy to try and figure it out. He also wondered if it would be possible to change around the character for ‘shi’ to make it mean something else. Maybe he would use the ‘shi’ in his own name.

Shi-zu-ka.

Shi-tto.

No good, his name was written as one character anyways. Maybe he could use ‘shi’ like ‘四’ and then he could find away to connect it to Watanuki.

_Wa-ta-nu-ki! Written like April 1st._ He could hear the black little creature chiming so loudly that he had to look around and make sure there was no one else there.

What other characters could he use to connect “shitto”— _jealousy_ —to what he was feeling? And to whom it was regarding? No… It wasn’t worth the effort.

Besides, it wasn’t good to know that he was jealous of his own grandfather, either.

Ha-ru-ka.

Shi-zu-ka.

They weren’t that different in pronunciation if you thought about it.

_Pointless_ … he told himself, and closed the text document as the bell signaled the end of lunch.

* * *

_As much as I love my grandfather, hearing so much about him from a person who’s never met him makes me… a bit annoyed._

Shi-zu-ka… Ha-ru-ka… If he could say one, the least he could do would be to try saying the other. __

* * *

“Watanuki-kun has been smiling a lot lately.”

“Ah—have I really?” The boy paused as he handed out the levels of the bento. “It’s because I’m around Himawari-chan!”

Doumeki gave a faint snort that said Liar.

“YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIMAWARI-CHAN?!” Watanuki demanded, wheeling around and swinging a hand aimed for the chopsticks in Doumeki’s grip.

He pulled back just in time, placing the rolled egg in his mouth while eyeing what to try next. “No,” Doumeki said honestly around the mouth-full of food.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full!” Watanuki replied automatically.

Himawari giggled as she accepted her portion of the bento from Watanuki. “Watanuki-kun and Doumeki-kun are such good friends!”

“WHO IS?”

* * *

_Smiling too much? Since when did I not smile too much when I’m around Himawari-chan?_

* * *

“Such a stupid look,” Doumeki muttered.

“No stupider than yours,” Watanuki shot back. They were walking back after school.

“Kunogi-san isn’t around. You can stop that stupid grin.”

The boy’s mismatched eyes shot him a death glare that didn’t have the same effect as it did before without the thin frames to magnify it. “I can’t help it if I’m in a good mood! H-Himawari-chan will always raise my spirits… even when she’s not around!”

Doumeki arched an eyebrow but didn’t face Watanuki. “Liar.” This time he didn’t even try to hide it in a snort.

“W-what?” But Watanuki didn’t even seem that eager to try and defend his own position. His smile faltered and he attempted an angry scowl.

Doumeki knew his facial expressions well enough by this point to know that he had been right. “I said you’re a liar. You’re not thinking about Kunogi-san.” Now, he did glance down at the boy by his side.

Watanuki huffed, hunching his shoulders the way a bird would ruffle its feathers when flustered. “I’ve just been having nice dreams lately, for a change. Haruka-san—”

That was more than enough.

With a roughness that he had meant to curb, Doumeki shoved the empty bento box back into Watanuki’s hands and turned away. “See you tomorrow,” he said.

“Wait, Doumeki!” Watanuki stuttered, standing still in the middle of the cross-road.

Doumeki was glad he couldn’t see his expression, because it would ruin the image he wanted to keep in his head.

* * *

_Surprised but disappointed. Maybe a little hurt or at least show in some way he acknowledged what made me leave. Maybe if he looked at me like that—_

* * *

“What’s wrong, Watanuki-kun?”

The boy looked up to see a face that was too similar to the one he _didn’t_ want to see right now. “I think Doumeki’s mad at me.”

The corners of Haruka’s eyes crinkled with the faint hint of a smile. “What makes you think that?”

“I-I’m not sure… I can just tell. His face doesn’t look any more emotionless than it normally does, but I can tell.” His expression was troubled as he leaned across towards the man. “A-and… I guess… It kind of bothers me…”

Haruka leaned in as well, inspecting the boy’s face. “Shizuka is just trying to sort some things out,” he said.

Watanuki tilted his head to the side. “You can enter my dreams, Haruka-san. Can you enter Doumeki’s as well?”

Haruka lifted an eyebrow in a way that made Watanuki think _He looks too much like Doumeki_. “I can, when Shizuka wants to see me.”

“Then… right now—”

“Shizuka doesn’t want to see me.” He sat back up straight and returned his attention to the shadows playing across the grass. It was the signal that the conversation was over.

Watanuki didn’t move. He remained leaning across the space between them, staring at Haruka. Surprised and somewhat upset.

* * *

_I wonder if… if I ask you… would you listen to my request? Or would you just smile and confuse me even more. ___

* * *

_Jealousy_ was such an ugly word. The characters were too complex. A complex and ugly word for a complex and ugly feeling.

Doumeki didn’t dream often. Occasionally, he would want to see his grandfather—for advice, for a familiar comfort. But right now, it bothered him to think that it was his _grandfather_ that was causing the uneasy feeling and the need for assurance.

He was lying awake. Two in the morning and he couldn’t sleep. For once his dreamless sleep bothered him. Was Watanuki dreaming now? Was his grandfather accompanying him? Did Watanuki let his grandfather call him ‘Kimihiro’? Did they talk about him?

He rolled over onto his side, glaring at his fist in the dark. He could just barely see his school bag against the wall. No good. School brought to mind things he didn’t want to think about.

He rolled over onto his other side. Nothing there. But then his stomach gave an uncharacteristic growl and Doumeki knew he couldn’t win.

So he turned back over to stare at the ceiling. The boring pattern of sleeplessness visible in the darkness above him.

“Kimihiro,” he said, trying the name out of curiosity. He wondered how it sounded when his grandfather said it (because he had managed to convince himself without even realizing it that the two of them were on a first-name basis. With a smile like that, Watanuki would let them be on a first-name basis).

“Kimihiro,” he tried again, mustering unfamiliar emotions and putting on the carefree smile he remembered his grandfather having. No, too forced. He would never be able to make it sound like his grandfather could.

“Kimihiro.” This time, his eyes were closed and the name caught in his throat in a way that made him ache.

_Jealousy_. Shi-tto. Written with ‘四’ out of spite.

* * *

_If I tried, would he let me? If I asked, would he try? ‘Haruka Haruka Haruka’—just once, could you try something else?_

* * *

“I thought I had heard someone calling my name…”

You didn’t answer, did you?

“Right.”

If so, it’s all right.

“With that sort of thing, why mustn’t I answer?”

Because if it knew that you noticed, it’d do it more and more.

“… But… For me to not answer even if they’re calling…”

Saddens you?

“Yeah…”

Then, you must answer.

“Eh?”

_Riiiing._

This is a dream. You know that, don’t you?

_Riiiing._

_Riiiing._

I wonder if after me you’ll meet yet someone else in your dreams.

_Riiiing._

_Riiiing._

You’ll meet various people, all in dreams. As though in a final goodbye.

_Riiiing._

_Riiiing._

_Riii————_

_......Don’t disappear._

* * *

Doumeki was feeling uneasy. Seeing his grandfather in that form made it feel like he was looking at himself in an alternate dimension… one where he was happy and able to talk to _that person_ freely.

“I was beginning to wonder when you would let me see you again, Shizuka,” Haruka said with a smile.

The young man turned his head away, then slowly looked back. “Seems like you’ve been visiting with Watanuki a lot, lately.”

“Watanuki-kun has wanted to see me a lot, lately,” Haruka corrected.

Doumeki felt annoyed and relieved at the same time. “Why?”

His grandfather sat down on the walkway, staying silent for a while to concentrate on the smoke rising from his cigarette. “Many things have been troubling him.” He looked at the young man beside him. “Wouldn’t Watanuki-kun explain it to you if you asked?”

Doumeki didn’t respond.

Haruka chuckled. “Sorry, I didn’t know that was a touchy subject for you.”

“Unfair.”

“Hmm?”

“It’s unfair,” Doumeki muttered. He clenched his hands together in his lap, hoping it would squash the uneasy ache rising in his chest. It didn’t, but he kept trying. “I’m doing all I can to keep him in the world, but he’s much more content being with you in a dream.”

Haruka tapped the dead ashes from the cigarette. “You call it a dream, but the space that Watanuki-kun lets me share with him is a world also.” He studied his grandson’s profile. “This space that we share now is another world, also.”

Doumeki didn’t respond. Not at first. Instead, he shifted as his shoulders slumped. His head dropped into his hands. “ _I_ want to be the one he wants to share a space with.”

“Even if it’s a dream… If you have beliefs, wishes, desires, things you love… Those will become reality. The only transaction that doesn’t require a price… is the transaction of _feelings_.”

Doumeki looked up sharply, but his grandfather wasn’t there.

* * *

“Haruka-san?”

“Hmm?”

Watanuki had one hand clenched over his chest. His expression was troubled, and he had a hard time forming his words. “I feel upset.”

Haruka put out the cigarette on the ground, crushing it with his foot. “Why?”

The boy paused, then shook his head. “I don’t really know. But every time I go to sleep… I feel like someone is calling me. And they are sad that I don’t answer. And their voice is so filled with emotion that I can’t help but feel sad.”

“Why don’t you answer?”

Watanuki shook his head again, a little more violently this time. “I can’t!” he shouted into his lap. “Because if I answer… then I feel like something will be lost! And I can’t afford to lose anything else right now!”

Haruka let out a breath through his nose, a look of pity on his face. He reached out a hand, gently lacing his fingers around Watanuki’s.

The boy looked over at him, startled and flustered, only to find that the man was leaning in close—too close, but he couldn’t push him away. “Ha-Haruka…san…”

Haruka’s face was placid, save for the faintest hint of a pained smile on his lips. He squeezed Watanuki’s hand tightly in his own. “Do they call you _Watanuki_?”

Speechless, he shook his head.

“Then… _Kimihiro_?” He lifted his other hand to touch the side of the boy’s face.

Watanuki closed his eyes and his body relaxed. He pressed his cheek into Haruka’s hand and tried to ignore the smell of cigarettes. When it was like this, he felt like he could calm down.

“Kimihiro…”

Watanuki didn’t bother to wipe the tears that slipped down his cheeks. “I’m here…”

“Will you stay with me?”

“I will.”

* * *

_I’m sorry for not replying sooner._

_I wonder if I’ll be able to see you again. Before I go._

* * *

That day, Watanuki didn’t make lunch.

Doumeki watched him from over the edge of the cafeteria-bought bento. The boy was leaning against the tree, the barely-touched box lunch on the ground next to him. His mis-matched eyes stared off absently up into the branches shifting above him.

“Watanuki-kun has been acting weird all day,” Himawari confided in a troubled tone as she knelt next to Doumeki. “No one seems to notice him, and he’s not paying attention to anything either.”

Doumeki set down his already-consumed bento and pointed his chopsticks at Watanuki. “Oi.”

The boy’s eyes flickered slightly in acknowledgement, and he blinked.

“ _Oi_.”

This time, Watanuki looked at him, his head flopping on his neck like a poorly made stuffed doll whose head was too heavy. His eyes were narrowed slightly in the corners, but other than that he didn’t respond.

“Are you going to eat that?”

Visibly frustrated, the most emotion he made all day as far as Doumeki knew, the boy rose to his feet, grabbed his school bag, and left.

Himawari made to run after him, but Doumeki shook his head. “Don’t bother. He doesn’t want to be here.”

He was only slightly aware of the double meaning behind those words.

* * *

_I won’t forgive you. If I refuse to respond, will you stay?_

* * *

Watanuki was lying on his back, staring up at the pale canopy of the bed he occupied while staying at Yuuko’s house. He was being called. Again and again. But he was also being warned.

_Don’t disappear_.

Whatever choice he made, he had a lot riding on the _right_ choice.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He wondered how it would sound if he said it. It was only a name after all.

Right?

“Sh…”

Try again.

_My heart won’t stop pounding._

“Sh—”

Almost. Try again.

_It hurts… My heart hurts, but I don’t mind._

“Shi—”

“Ha.”

“Huh?” Watanuki sat up, only to find Haruka sitting on the edge of his bed with the relaxed smile on his face.

“Ha-ru-ka,” the man said, pointing to himself. “Have you made your choice?”

Watanuki hesitated, then smiled. He closed his eyes and relaxed as Haruka’s arms pulled him into a secure embrace.

* * *

_I’m sorry…_

_Shizuka._

* * *

“I don’t forgive you, Kimihiro.” He didn’t look, but he could hear the boy shifting in the bed and his bare feet hitting the floor.

“I was right, then…”

Doumeki looked at Watanuki over his shoulder.

“I made the right choice?”

Doumeki shrugged, looking back out to the dark garden. “If it’s the choice you made, then it can only be the right one.”

He knew Watanuki was frowning without even having to look.

The boy sat down on the walkway next to him. Close enough so the sleeves of their shirts brushed against each other, close enough so he could feel the heat from Watanuki’s skin, but not so close where they could touch without making a conscious motion. “Is this a dream, then?” He sounded troubled.

“I suppose. Though a dream is just another world, isn’t it?” That’s what his grandfather kept saying.

Watanuki smiled faintly. “I suppose it is.”

Doumeki hesitated, trying to pick the right words. “Will you stay with me?” The phrase was too clichéd—he had repeated it over and over again in his head at night, holding the boy in his arms.

“I will,” Watanuki replied. “In this space… And in the others that I share with you. I will stay.”

Doumeki took Watanuki’s hand in his own, pressing their palms together and gripping his fingers tightly. “Good.”

* * *

_I won’t let you disappear._


End file.
